Consent and accountability

At its best, consent is an ongoing collaboration between two or more people in constant verbal, physical, and emotional dialogue about what each other needs to willingly, safely, and pleasurably engage in an interaction with one another.

For our purposes, we think that gold-standard consent should consist of the following elements:

• Affirmative
  There is clearly expressed agreement to participate in an activity. We're looking for the presence of a yes, not the absence of a no. 

• Competent
  All parties have the unfettered ability, knowledge, judgment, or skill to co-create an interaction.

• Informed
  All parties are able to decide whether to participate in an activity based on a shared understanding of risk factors, risk tolerances, and other relevant facts. At a minimum, Bonobos should proactively disclose STI (sexually transmitted infection) risk factors and intoxication where relevant. Click here to learn how to have a safer sex conversation.

• Unpressured
  A "no" should be immediately accepted without undue persuasion, influence, or intimidation to encourage someone to do something they've expressed hesitation about doing. Any coercive tactics (e.g., threats, leveraging a power relationship) or pressure (e.g., making someone responsible for your disappointment, continuing to ask for something after a boundary is stated, or emotional manipulation) are expressly forbidden.

• Specific
  All parties are clear about what they are doing together and the boundaries of proposed activities. Where there is a lack of specificity, participants act with heightened caution and attunement.

• Ongoing
  Consent must be given throughout the interaction, and it can be revoked at any time. If consent is revoked, play must stop immediately. Partners should check in frequently, and especially when anything changes about the interaction (e.g., introduction of new people, activities, or levels of intensity.)

This framework, borrowed from San Francisco Sex Information, takes consent out of a simple binary, permission-based model. In allowing us to judge the consensuality of any interaction qualitatively (as opposed to "It's there or it isn't"), we are thus invited to constantly strive for higher quality collaborations.

In Bonobo we’re clear that consent isn’t a mere speed bump that slows down getting what you want. Considering whether an interaction is truly collaborative is the first priority.

Consent requires seeing other people as fully autonomous beings with a right to decide what they want to do with their bodies. It requires deep curiosity about what they want out of an interaction with you. And it requires discipline to avoid assuming that because you want something, the other person(s) you’re interacting with wants the same thing.